[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks