STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
best review i’ve ever seen
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]