I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.