Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You Might Also Like
Go hard or stay average
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?