My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Battery falling down a hole
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot