date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.