Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.