Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met