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My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me