wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg