“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
saw this in a dream
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad