“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Happy Star Wars day!
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.