Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
You Might Also Like
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.