“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.