My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sell your car
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits