Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.