Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life