I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Breaking news:
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”