I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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I wanna be friends with this person
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.