Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Nothing to do, you say?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.