DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.