You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.