ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
the best thing i’ve ever made
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.