People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb