[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he鈥檇 given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
馃崬馃
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it鈥檚 dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what鈥檚 one rune reading among friends?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Voting has begun in Russia鈥檚 presidential election. Results will be known last week
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 馃槶馃槶
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don鈥檛 know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I鈥檓 not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.