that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows