her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
You Might Also Like
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads