My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
It be like that sometimes 😆