I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Every house has this drawer
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Oh yeah that’s it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*