“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.