“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
my favorite genre of twitter
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.