friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
We need more people like this.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.