What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️