“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Ummm
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.