You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Oh thanks BBC.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.