I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.