*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”