‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
first you must answer his riddles
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
who named him groot and not spruce lee
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.