[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?