shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I am having an out of money experience.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”