Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
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me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.