I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.