Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.