My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”