I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him