Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Nothing to do, you say?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
there has never been a better use of this meme
opening a flower shop called women in stem
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”