I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.