The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS