I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You Might Also Like
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated