Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
True
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister